Kim was suddenly enveloped by a black darkness, and she felt some inexplicable force pull her onto the ground. She had no idea what was happening. She was about to scream, when she heard an explosion of laughter behind her. She stood up to see Conor holding up his jacket and splitting his sides laughing. “Conor!!!” Kim shrieked, “Look what you did to my jeans!!!” She pointed down at a tiny speck of mud on her right knee. “Now I have to go home and change, and I only put these on this morning!” The laughter only increased. Conor eventually managed to control himself enough to stammer “Hey David, now we've got a new verse for our “Kim Fell Out Of A Tree” song: “Kim fell into some mud…””
“I hate you sooo much. Don't think you won't pay for this!” Kim shouted back over her shoulder as she stormed off, albeit with a slight smile on her face as she remembered how ridiculous she must have looked as she plummeted to the ground from the dizzying height of one-and-a-half feet a few weeks previously. It wasn't her fault, how was she supposed to know that the wafer-thin branch with the huge crack running through it wouldn't support her weight?
Kim walked home, into her house and straight down to her room to sent her friend Meghan an e-mail:
I hate Conor so much!
I feel so sorry for Lorna. Imagine having Conor for a brother!
We have to find some way of getting back at him!
I know! We'll egg his house! When are you free?
Kim finished her homework while waiting for a reply. She checked her inbox again before she ate her dinner. She was surprised to find one there from Conor. Probably just slagging me off, she thought. She opened it:
What's this about egging my house?
Kim gasped. How did Conor know? Surely Meghan wouldn't have told him, and she certainly didn't tell him…. unless…no, it was impossible! Kim speedily opened her sent folder. Her fears were realised. She had sent the e-mail to the wrong person. She couldn't believe it. Well, actually, she could. It was something only she would be capable of doing. They would just have to think of something else to do to Conor.
Kim turned off her computer and began to think. What would really annoy Conor? They could always just hire a hit man to kill him. She would ask Meghan for her opinion the next day.
At assembly the next morning Kim and Meghan were deeply discussing what action should be taken. Lemonocity songs were clearly audible in the background, as usual. “Who would we get to kill him, though?” Meghan asked her friend. Kim slowly scanned the room. Her eyes fell on Adam. He was screaming at Conor and David to shut up singing. Kim looked back at Meghan. Meghan seemed uncertain. “Adam? Are you sure that's a good idea? I would sooner trust an army of frogs than Adam.”
“ An army of frogs? Come on, Meg! Of course I'm sure Adam is a good idea. Besides, no-one else in our year would….” Kim stopped short. She saw something flying towards her out of the corner of her eye. She tried to jump out of the way but she was too late. Adam's highlighter left a huge blue mark across her face. Obviously Conor and David had refused to shut up, so he took his anger out on the nearest person to him. He certainly looked a lot happier. He was in hysterics.
Kim glared at him angrily for a few seconds and then turned back to Meghan. “Frogs it is. But we need weapons and someone to train the frogs in.” Meghan had the answer to that. “Action Man is the perfect size. He can supply all the weapons and he can train them.” Kim, however, disagreed.
“No, not Action Man. We should get Dr. X instead. He would have no qualms about training hit frogs.” Meghan was satisfied with this. The two were about to discuss their plans in further detail, but the bell rang, putting a temporary hold on the talks.
That evening, after school, Kim and Meghan resumed their conversation:
“You know Kim, I was thinking, if we are going to go to all the trouble of training an army of frogs, we might as well take over the World in the process. We shall become the co-majesties of the Universe! Henceforward, you shall be known as: Her Co-Majesty Kim, Empress of Shannon, Ruler of all the Green and Gold Universe, Defender of the Soup, Plucker of the Lute (also known as the Guitar), Friend of all those Mugless and those lacking Sufficient Barbeque Facilities, and I shall be known as: Her co-majesty Meghan, General of the Army of the United Irish Canadian Toilets, Hearalder of Bad News and Tasty Mushrooms, Poker of the White Whotsits that make noise when you sit on them (a.k.a. Piano Keys), Benefactress of Frogs and Ruler of All Things Blue. What do you think?” asked Meghan.
“That totally rocks! You really have a knack for making up names! Now we have those,” Kim said, “But we shall need weapons for ourselves. Any ideas?” Meghan looked thoughtful.
“I don't know. I'll talk to Dr. X this evening and see what he thinks. I'll e-mail you.”
That night, Kim and Meghan continued to plan their conquest of the World via the Internet:
Hey Kim! Meg here!
I was talking to Dr. X. How about rubber chickens?
He found this one frog that has developed a version ten times more lethal
than the leading brand, and they're pretty compact too.
Dr. X has recruited this frog as head of R&D.
They are working on an all-new laser gun as well.
Kim was thrilled with the thought of being able to use rubber chickens as lethal as was suggested in Meghan's e-mail. It seems that it never occurred to either co-majesty that the laser guns would, in all probability, be much more compact and several times more lethal. But girls will be girls. Kim answered immediately:
Now that's what I call a weapon!
We are now almost totally prepared to take over the World
in the pursuit of our ultimate goal…. Which was what again?
Meghan replied straight back:
Uh, I can't remember.
How about the abolition of all banana-flavoured ice cream, nuts, mangos,
dust mite and penicillin? That way we won't be allergic to anything!
The two girls had been so intently planning their conquest that they quite forgot that their ultimate goal was Conor's extermination (as only girls can do). Kim, in fact, decided that she would ask Conor to form an alliance with her and Meghan. She thought he would agree, even if only so he could eliminate penicillin, which he was allergic to. The two co-majesties asked him the next day.
“Hey Conor!” Kim shouted across the assembly room, “How would you like to help me and Meghan in our conquest of the World, in the process of abolishing banana-flavoured ice cream, nuts, mangos, fish, dust mite and penicillin? Come on, we know you want your revenge on penicillin!” His reply, however, was not as the two co-majesties had predicted.
“What! You're abolishing ice cream! What are you on?! There is no way I'm ever going to do that, you spanners! David, tell them they're spanners.” David, who prior to this had been laughing at the ridiculous conversation, was not entirely happy about being dragged into the argument.
“Uh…”
“You're going to regret not doing as we request, Conor.” Meghan interrupted, “David, tell Conor that he's going to regret not joining me and Kim.” David was getting increasingly uncomfortable with the entire discussion. He couldn't think of what to say, but all three were staring at him. Why do I get into these situations, he thought. But I have to say something. Well, in times like this I guess there is only one thing I can say. “ Uh…you're all lemons.”
It did not go down very well, but to his infinite relief, the bell rang just then, putting an end to the row. As Kim and Meghan left the assembly room, Meghan turned and shouted at Conor. “OK, fine! Have it your way. But you will regret your decision.” The two girls stormed out of the assembly room, slamming the doors behind them. Their exit, however, lost some of its effect, as Kim forgot her schoolbag and had to re-enter to retrieve it. She marched out again, but the sound of David and Conor's laughter followed her down the corridor.
That evening, once Kim had cooled down, she sent Conor an e-mail regarding a truce that she and Meghan had agreed would be fair:
As Meghan and I are merciful monarchs, we have decided to forgive you
once more, and we shall offer you a truce:
You may leave the planet along with all the food that we wish to abolish.
You will travel to the planet Mercury, and if you have not been killed by
the Penicillin by then you shall become our ambassador for the planet.
Kim did not have to wait long before she received a reply from Conor:
I, Vladimir, the Phenominal Cosmic King of Wisdom, refuse your compromise,
and will always oppose you.
Kim smirked as she read the e-mail. She felt no small amount of satisfaction at being able to reply:
Well, you could have refused with at least a shred of dignity if you had
succeeded in spelling your name correctly. The fact that you were supposed
to be the king of wisdom didn't help much either. And don't say that you'll
oppose someone if you don't have an army.
This reply stung Conor in no small way. Kim did not have to wait long for his response:
OK fine. I, Vladimir, the P-H-E-N-O-M-E-N-A-L Csmic King of Wisdom refuse
your compromise. And I have the P-H-E-N-O-M-E-N-A-L King of Strength (David)
on my side. Oh, and Duke too (Andrew).
Kim read the e-mail with a sympathetic smile on her face. He had managed to spell “cosmic” wrong. She was, however, moved to thought at the fact that Conor had both David and his brother helping him (or not helping him), whereas she only had Meghan. They needed a Duchess, someone who hated Conor, someone whom Conor would not be able to harm…
“Lorna!” Kim shouted as she struggled through the mass of first years in school the next day, trying to catch up with Conor's younger sibling. Lorna turned around. Kim staggered up breathlessly to her, exhausted from battling her way through the throngs of Lorna's fellow first year students. “Lorna, how would you like to be a Duchess? You can help me and Meghan take over the World, and oppose your brother, who is our arch-nemesis. You're perfect because you hate him, your Mum won't let Conor hurt you (seriously, anyway), Andrew won't hurt you (hint, hint) and because you are totally, utterly, completely, entirely and absolutely trustworthy.”
That evening on the way home from school, the two co-majesties and the duchess were discussing their conquest of the Universe. Meghan had some interesting news. “Dr. X has found a species of bat that can detect subliminal messages and can be trained to work as a spy. I think they sound pretty handy.”
“Yeah, they could really prove useful.” Kim said, “By the way, how are our rubber chickens coming along?” Meghan coughed, looked down at her shoes, and mumbled, “Uh… well, ya see, I was testing that laser gun that our frogs just finished developing, and I sort of, like, didn't expect that the shooting range would extend to fifty metres, and, uh, that's when the factory kind of, well, exploded.” Kim and Lorna looked at each other. Then Kim said, “Well, I suppose it doesn't matter much, unless we need to make war within the next few weeks, in which case our army shall have to make do with what they have.”
They walked on together in silence. Then, Lorna, who had been looking thoughtful for the past few moments, spoke. “Where will we have our stronghold? We need somewhere that we can control the planet and all our subjects from with ease.”
“McDonald's!” Meghan and Kim said in unison. “Speaking of which…” Meghan turned abruptly and started walking in the direction of the local McDonald's outlet. Kim and Lorna followed without any objections.
The three had to make a short detour through the town centre, so that Kim could buy jelly tots. While Kim was making her purchase, Meghan picked up a copy of the Limerick Leader and began leafing through the pages. She came to a section on the Arts and Heritage Festival that had been held in their school the previous week. Her eyes fell on a small picture in the middle of the page. Meghan's eyes widened as she gaped at the picture. Her voice rose to a shriek as she called to Kim, “Kim! Get over here quick! It's horrible!”